If you’re feeling like changing your name to Holly and snogging Michael Buble, this post may not be for you… If however, you’re cuddling up to your inner Grinch and burning your Christmas cards to save on the fuel bill, read on…
You see, the closest I can get to being a happy homemaker, festooned in tinsel creating gorgeous Christmas crafts this year, is chucking sobbed-on tissues at the sickeningly smug face of Kirstie Allsopp as she bullies terrified pensioners into making festive pom poms.
My Festive Domestic Goddess has been wrapped in microwavable packing and pierced three times to let the steam out. That I’m sure will please my husband, Mr Ectomy, as he takes cover behind a copy of the FT and evaluates how to capitalise his investments to ensure a speedy exit from his weepy, waily wife. I’ll be the first to admit that being Hormone-Free can equate to Humour-Free and I’m beginning to worry he will find even Kirstie, with her schoolmarm looks and ridiculously big buttons, more attractive than me…
In world of plump turkeys I am but a scraggy old boiling hen.
But I digress. At this time of year, I’m usually channelling Nigella and donning reindeer oven gloves for the annual tradition of making, and eating, my body weight in cheese pastry. Instead even looking at the beautiful Nige and her designer BJs makes me want to heave. Oo sorry did I say ‘BJs’? I meant ‘PJs’ of course… must be the painkillers!
I thought that my operation had been artfully timed. 5 weeks before Christmas would surely mean I could sit on the sofa stuffing my face full of festive fayre while giving James Martin some well-needed fashion advice. Instead, as you know, I’ve been blubbing a lot, re-living my life-choices to a painful degree, and even worse, losing my appetite!
Well, James Martin and his love of lard could be blamed for the latter, but the first two haven’t brought a whole Santa sackful of fun. I need to do something to cheer myself up before the Ghost of Christmas Future gives me a quick flash of a lonely life in a bedsit in East Ham with no one except a grumpy rat and a drug dealer called Duane for company…
I know… crafts!
So this afternoon I will be taking Kirstie’s advice and making my own decorations to create some much-needed festive cheer…
Well, what else does one do with a drawer full of redundant tampax? Dip them in glitter and hang them on the Christmas tree of course!
Stylish, homemade and utterly unique, the Hyst-erect-atree will fulfil all your post-operative needs!
Merry Christmas 😉